Happenstance

An interesting question was asked of me today.  “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”  To the naked eye, this question is postured to be uplifting and motivational; it offers an ambitious lens to view this panorama we refer to as life.  As simple as it may be in stature, it really is a complex question.  The complexity of this query is masterfully hidden behind the mirrors of optimism and inspiration; further blurred by the smoke of yearn and chance.  We’re presented with these forms of questions because a curiosity exists.  Naturally, the answer to the question is expected to be met with great enthusiasm because an opportunity has been offered to share our ardent covets.  With so much prospect afoot, it seems ridiculous to imagine someone tackling this question with a crestfallen mindset. 

However, it happens.  And when it happens, it introduces a seismic arroyo between the expectations of the questions versus the retrograde and unorthodox pursuit of the answers.  A weathered mind could unintentionally invite the inquirer to look at the inverse of the question solely by describing the things they no longer want to do, or suffer from, anymore.  Is that so far-fetched?  Is it unreasonable to hypothesize that there could in fact be people who are tired of losing in their lives?  My heart bleeds for these people because they incessantly seek newer and stronger cornerstones of faith in order to hold everything together.  They hold life with a tighter grip and calculate each step of its journey with hopes that things will eventually pan out; yet, they rarely do.  Too proud, too tired, too fractured – these people are often left to blaze new trails fueled by hollow pipe dreams; often surrounded by fair-weather fans attempting to attach and commiserate along the way.  And it’s these same devotees that encourage the broken to speak their minds; they insist that speaking is on the path to healing and that healing is the solution to all of the issues.  Untrue – simply untrue. 

Healing is the end product; the path (the journey) is the answer.   More often than not, the fair-weathers are so consumed with dragging the crestfallen across the healing finish line that they lose sight of the fact that this is a process – not a solution.  Caveat emptor is Latin for “let the buyer beware.”  We need to understand that people who feel downtrodden, or are treated subserviently, don’t always have the opportunity to beware of their current disposition.  No one chooses to struggle over converting thoughts into words; people don’t aspire to be forgotten or marginalized by factors they have no control over.  Yes, hopeless optimists, I’m aware…sometimes life is unfair.  And you are right, the mindset chosen will aid the outcome desired.  Just respect the fact that sometimes people can’t listen to that shit; not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t afford to.

“We all matter - maybe less than a lot but always more than none.”

― John Green

2

Someone once told me that balance was the answer to everything in this life.  I believe it…I really do.  Yet, if I had a chance to modify or strengthen that statement, I’d add a clause relating to the inevitable dichotomy of naivety vs. willingness.  As weird as it sounds, most of the decisions that we make are usually related to one of those two camps – especially when it comes to being in a relationship.  I’m not here to bash the notion of relationships, partnerships, marriages, etc.; I’m a firm proponent of those types of relationships and I believe that everyone should experience the opportunity to love someone.  With that said, that doesn’t mean that I won’t question the mechanics, mindsets, and approaches of the participants.  You see…sharing your life with someone is hard.  From what I can tell, I think it’s supposed to be.  It’s a team effort though, and if your teammate isn’t willing to do their part, the relationship suffers.  Maybe that’s why people choose to avoid giving their hearts altogether.  Maybe that’s why, at some point, we all fuck it up.  It’s this odd fascination that we have with being important to someone else on a deeper level that keeps us chasing the love rabbit. 

The thing that we all fail to realize is there are tons of unknowns.  The unknowns come with the territory and the quicker we are to admit we don’t have those answers, the better off we will all be.  Frankly, that’s too easy and realistically that’s not what our desired other wants to hear.  So what do we do?  We make promises of course.  Promises that appear to make us look like we’re in control, promises that we know everyone wants to hear – it’s called the quick win and we’re all about it.  A promise is a comfort for a fool.  No, I didn’t that say; it’s actually a proverb and it makes all of the sense in the world.  We spend our time romanticizing over the person that we’re with; we pardon their indiscretions because we’re willing to do so, or we’re too stupid to realize that we’re being fed a ton of shit.  In 2015, moving on is an option; people get divorced, relationships end more frequently, etc.  Although we’re allowed to move on – we can’t.  We can’t because the series of letdowns sprinkled with good times known as our last relationship reminds us of what could be.  I mean…are we so stupid to open ourselves up to another person?  After all, we’ve just been lied to, manipulated, and offered the best of us to the last person – are we sure this is the way to go?  Let’s ask the last person we gave ourselves to.  Ah shit, forgot…they used us up and are off doing their own thing now.  We try to be normal about shit, but we’re so unwilling to trust or open up because of how ruined and tainted we’ve become from our last stint. 

Hold that thought though, let’s talk about those unwilling-to-open types.  These are the people that are so consumed with the fear of getting their hearts broken; yet, they expect the ideal relationship when they decide to enter into one.  They stand proudly atop their pedestals commenting about habits, outlooks, and experiences that they’ve never had the guts to endure, let alone undertake.  All things considered, it’s a safe place to live; comment [disparage] potential dating incumbents and never take any risks yourself.  I get it.  I do feel bad for that next person though.  And what about that next person?  He/she is supposed to come right in and accept/empathize with us because we need it, right?  I’d love to agree, but that’s so unfair.  It’s a damn shame that we’re so caught up in our own needs/wants in a relationship because we completely miss the mark with the other person.  They come to us, arms agape, looking to make a genuine difference in our lives.  In return we greet them with our insecurities and we grade them on a harsh and more rigid scale than we’ve ever used before.  They complain.  They’re upset because when you mess up, it’s ok – but when they fuck up, it’s simply intolerable. 

Time passes and neither camp budges.  We know that they are here vying for an opportunity with us; they know that they are here because they have a loving interest in changing our lives.  That gray space becomes a swirling torrent of confusion and often leads to arguments, so we label it as taboo.  We can do this because we have the upper hand in the matter (we’re the hurt ones, remember)?  The pattern is cyclical; we mess up – we write it off; they mess up – all out border skirmish – and life…unconventionally…goes on.  Every now and again, we become introspective and ask ourselves why they still stay.  Are they naïve?  Are they really that willing?  Sometimes we’re thankful to be in that position.  Essentially, we got the chance to live our own lives the way we wanted to prior to meeting them, but now that things are less than ideal, we have someone to lean on…and we like that – a lot.  What we don’t see is how much of their life the other person is willing to give up.  We don’t see the extent of their patience, nor their commitment to us.  Maybe that’s not true.  It’s more difficult to see all of the aforementioned, therefore making it undesirable to do so.  Instead, we focus on the flaws.  After all, we will most likely end up fighting – we’ll need as much as ammo as we can get. 

I don’t know man.  Maybe its happenstance or maybe it’s just me.  These emotions I just ran through are just loose speak.  Reading, thinking, and writing about it does make me think though.  All we want is to be loved and appreciated, but sometimes it might help if we walk the path in the other person’s shoes.  I feel bad.  I feel bad because I haven’t always put my best foot forward; I’ve made decisions that have flat out complicated my life – but I own them.  I do that because it’s supposed to make me more of a wholesome and credible person.  Most importantly, I do it because I expect whoever I deal with to be the same.  Damn, don’t you guys just want shit to be normal?  I do; more than anything, that’s what I want.  Until then, let’s just get cozy here in the on-deck circle; we’ll soon get our at-bat.

 

Leap, And The Net Will Appear

“I wondered about the explorers who'd sailed their ships to the end of the world. How terrified they must have been when they risked falling over the edge; how amazed to discover, instead, places they had seen only in their dreams.”

-          Jodi Picoult

It’s been a while since I've had anything to say.  Normally, I’d feel the need to cook up an excuse; something to the effect of me being extremely busy, or me being completely wiped out from all of my commitments.  The truth of the matter is I've been lazy.  The world around me (and all of us for that matter) seems to move so quickly nowadays.  We rarely have time to do things that were once considered normal; things such as reading (in any form) have proven to be either too boring or a waste of time.  Tweets are our new news and anything longer than a Facebook status is considered to be a dissertation.  As cynical as this may sound, I personally find it to be quite all right.  Admittedly, I am quite the tweeter (@Perdurable on Twitter for the curious types), but that doesn't completely sway my opinion on this shift in interest. 

Change is uncomfortable; yet, it is necessary.  Accepting and recognizing change is one of the few advantages this world gives us.  It enables us to step out of our comfort zone in an attempt to better ourselves.  Being able to change is only half of the battle though; we have to learn how to accept failure and how to be patient.  You see, the reasons many of us resist change is because we’re afraid to do something we’re not comfortable with, we’re not patient enough to wait for the desired results, and we’re too afraid to experience the failure.  These fears are emotionally driven…and unfortunately, our emotions tend to be the author of this book we call our life.  Generally speaking, avoidance is a fool proof method for evading failure.  I’m not condescending people who stick to these habits; I’m just asking them…what do you really expect from this life?  If the greater things from life happen to be what you want, you’ll need to take greater risks. 

I’m not a perfect person and I've never aspired to be one.  I've experienced tons of failure and shortcoming and, at times, I have let it completely defeat me.  It’s in these tough times that people choose to dig deep to find their source of energy and faith.  Whether you utilize professional help or religious guidance, patience is the fundamental trait.  Patience and failure should essentially go hand in hand.  We have a tendency to experience failure harshly because there is this inexplicable rush to life.  We need things, and we need them now…and when things go awry, we feel like all is lost.  As difficult as it is, we need to understand that falling short of something doesn't mean “no”, it simply means “not right now.”

And for now, that’s OK.

Don't Look Back. You're Not Going That Way.

“At every crossroads on the path that leads to the future, tradition has placed 10,000 men to guard the past.”

-          Maurice Maeterlinck

Most of us have the great fortune of having friends in this life.  We’ve appointed these people as friends and designate them with different levels of trust.  More often than not, we have something in common with that person; these common denominators can range from anything such as music and sports to religion and political beliefs.  However, as much as we would like to believe that hanging out with people of a same feather is exactly what we need, we couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Let’s be clear, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t strive to seek out others with common denominators; I’m merely saying that diversity offers perspective.  Being able to view the world through different lenses adds depth to your perception; it truly gives you an advantage in life.  When we do the same thing over and over again they become habits; habits that evolve into unshakeable tides of comfort.  Realistically, the majority of the things we know in this life are taught to us when we are young.  Those ideals are then reinforced by our upbringing and the company we keep.  What if I invited you to challenge everything you know to be true?  Would you accept?  Or would you rather not, because…well…it’s safer not to play with these ethereal concepts?  I’m not talking about challenging the small things in our lives; I’m addressing the large-scaled beliefs that we know to be as foundations of our lives. 

Each day, I observe people in their natural setting as they deal with the day to day challenges of life.  One thing stood out to me; people respect their habits out of fear.  The religious types always needed prayer and sought out a higher being during times of duress.  The grudge-holders adamantly stood their ground when challenged, and regardless of how sensible (and obvious) the solution was – they never budged.  And the homophobe vehemently denied that happiness, and normalcy, could be attained solely for the fact that the Bible says “Adam and Eve” and not “Adam and Steve.”  So…what happened when I attempted offer perspective to these individuals?  I got crushed – that’s what happened.  Before I elaborate, please understand that I wasn’t attempting to alter anyone’s beliefs; I was merely inviting them to peek at the possibilities. 

The first person I spoke with was highly against same sex marriage and relationships (out of respect to those who fulfill this lifestyle, I refuse to address this as “homosexuality”).  The topic came up in casual conversation and continued through the mode of debate.  I explained that gay people are every bit as capable and affluent as heterosexual people.  I dug up statistics proving that gay people were very successful and giving to their respective communities and all I got was resistance.  What was the counter-argument to my statistics you’re wondering?  The Bible.  This person was committed to the “fact” that the Bible severely looks down on that style of life.  I say “fact” because out of the 31,240 total verses in the Bible, we found 2 (less than 0.00006%). 

With the dissolution of the homophobe enters the religious archetype.  I’m choosing to withhold my own religious preferences for the sake of the people who are unaware.  I asked this person a seemingly simple question: “Which religion is the right religion?”  Hesitance ensued prior to the answer.  I got my answer.  I was intrigued by how convinced this person was in their understanding of the Lord’s word.  I asked them about the interpretation of the bible; and why everyone interprets it differently.  I never really got a solid answer from that question, but it fueled me to ask about the existence of God.  I wanted to see or hear about proof of his existence and I didn’t want the source to be the Bible.  Immediate offense was taken (which I can understand); yet, that wasn’t what caught my eye.  This person was furious that I even questioned His existence; they wouldn’t even entertain the idea of challenging the premise.  I realize how sacrilegious it was ask a question of that magnitude.  I wasn’t interested in the answer though; the approach and the methodology was what I wanted. 

Finally, I met the person unwilling to relinquish pride.  In light speak, I created a scenario in which the obvious answer would be to push the ego aside and salvage what was important to them.  Regardless, of the straightforward solution to matter, the “principle of the matter” needed to be maintained.  Ground needed to be stood; no matter how beneficial a possible change in heart would be - it was never an option. 

Unfortunately for these types, the world is a swirling torrent of change and progression.  Time isn’t necessarily on the side of those who possess less of an open mind.  Quality of life and overall equality are slowly emerging as the new standards of our lives.  I’m not calling anyone wrong for not wanting to recognize the world’s change; all I’m inviting them to do is to take a peek.  Be candid if you must, just don’t completely close your mind out to the possibility of these alternative realities.

Life Through A Screen

“Each of us has the opportunity to change and grow until our very last breath. Happy creating.”

-          M.F. Ryan

Evolution seems to be the one force in this world that we cannot stop.  All of this rapid change among us has caused a shift in how we view the world, and each other.  All of the slow parts of life such as that period of time in trying to get to know someone before going out with them, or gathering all of the facts on a particular issue before making a decision have been eliminated with the emergence of technology and convenience.  All of a sudden, living has become that much easier…or has it?  Could you not make the argument that convenience and unlimited accessibility to people’s lives has made us more of a reactive society?  It seems like people live for the quick win these days; things like how many likes we get on Facebook or Instagram greatly outweigh things that really matter like actual time spent time with someone.  No one can be mad this premise though; it’s just the way the world is – we’ll all be fine.  I’m not even here to touch on the direct effects of social media; rather, I’m more interested in the indirect effects it has. 

Let’s be cerebral here.  Chances are, when someone tells you that they are not friends with a person anymore, they are referring to them as being deleted on Facebook.  Realistically, is that easy to do away with someone?  I don’t want to say that people’s feelings have been numbed from a valuable life component such as friendship, I just think those feelings have been reallocated.  Instead of using those efforts to mend broken relationships, we use those feelings to write someone off completely.  It’s funny, because when we make mistakes, they are never viewed in a harsh light.  As a matter of fact, we’ll actually create elaborate explanations as to how it wasn’t a big deal, or why need to be forgiven.  In that moment, we are conciliatory for our indiscretions.  It is a genuine emotion that seems to have no bearing anymore.  The tails side to all of this is our unwillingness to forgive.  Instead of keeping our tough decisions and hard-pressed issues close to the vest, we go public with it and show our hand to the world leaving them to be our jury.  It’s ironic because we’ll write a post like “So many things have gone wrong today.  I just want it to end.” and people will show their support by liking it!  Honestly, how much sense does that make?  None if you ask me.  These same people that air their dirty laundry via social networking wonder why they constantly spoken about and are crushed by people they claim to know.  What they don’t understand is if these negative people are shooting the guns, you gave them the bullets. 

To combat all of this negativity, people seek strength in numbers – they look for people who share the same viewpoint as them in an attempt to absolve themselves from the shame of being a catalyst in the matter.  So what did we lose in all of this?  I would say our ability to be rational, our ability to forgive, and in some cases, our integrity.  We live this life to appease the cool factor; we want the attention, we want the likes, and we most definitely want to be interesting – albeit negative or positive.  What did we gain?  Honestly, I don’t have that answer.  I have never saw the value in acting before thinking and I understand that spoken words are sped arrows that we can’t retract.  I’m far from perfect, and I’ll be the first to admit that, but I can’t let that break me down and force me to inaction.  We’re all curious and caring people that have a lot to offer – I’m certain of that.  What we need to understand is that everyone we encounter has the opportunity to hurt us (and most people will).  The resolution is not to write these people off or to want their blood; the trick is to pick the ones worth fighting for and to forgive them.  We’re not supposed to think about how to live; it’s just supposed to hit us.  People, we are making this way too difficult.  Let’s just get back to basics.

People, We Need To Do Better

”Be courteous to all but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence; true friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to appellation.”

-          George Washington

It’s crazy to see how much things have changed.  If any of you get the chance, sit down and remove yourself from all of the situations that you are dealing with.  Reminisce.  Now realize that things aren’t what they used to be.  There was a time when receiving a handwritten letter or sticking a picture on a wall meant something; there was a real quality to those kinds of things.  Nowadays, there are no needs for those types of sentiments.  We live our lives by numbers these days;  it’s all about how fast we can get something, or how many people follow us on something.  I can’t fault people for buying into the ideals of this new world because being progressive is a necessary human trait.  We evolve and that’s how we refine ourselves and get better at things.  However, there is a risk with rapid change.  I’m not a moralist by any means, but I have come to realize that we have sacrificed quality for quantity over the years.  This shift in interest has caused us to become diluted as individuals.  It has caused us to break some of the best habits that we’ve spent most of our lives putting together all for the sake of keeping up.  We’ve lost our way people, but it’s all right.

We just need to do a better job at remembering the little things.  We need to do a better job of seeing through all of the smoke and mirrors and realizing what is real and what isn’t.  Understand that just because someone follows you on Twitter or Instagram that doesn’t make them your friend.  We need to remind ourselves that we are judged by our deeds.  I’m not against social networking at all – I love it actually.  My concern is that we as people no longer know how to be a friend or know how to love each other anymore.  We all need to do better.  As I sit here and write this, I can’t help but think about how many things that I could have done differently.  So many events have passed where I have opted to send a text message to friend or family member as opposed to calling them or physically going to visit them.  On a daily basis, I look around and think to myself that we’ve eliminated the effort in friendship.  I have literally seen people on first dates sitting at the table and being pasted to their phones instead of trying to learn about each other.  It’s strange, but this is the new norm.  The things that I’ve listed are only half of the battle.  We’ve become so accustomed to having things quickly and at our disposal that when something needs to take time to develop, the interest is lost.  All of a sudden, we are all too busy to be there for the ones we love.  It’s sad that we make a big deal over things that should be a common occurrence.  If you’re far away from a friend, give him/her a call and check in on them instead of waiting for a Thursday so you “#TBT” it and hope to get 50 likes.  This wasn’t intended to make anyone feel bad, I just felt like we needed a little reminder as to how treat each other.  After all, we’re better than this.

The Gift of One's Self

Sometimes…we just need to hear that everything will be okay.

We take risks every day in an attempt to achieve a higher level of satisfaction.  Some of us take risks with our money and others choose to risk their time, all in a pursuit for happiness.  The one risk that we all seem to take is the one with our hearts – the risk in wanting to love someone.  It truly is a bittersweet emotion because when someone is truly in love, you can’t help but to feel happy for them.  Yet, when they suffer heartbreak, being there for that person seems like the only right thing to do.  Diametrically opposed, those are the two ends of love.  We never seem to think about the middle of this love spectrum though.  Is it because it is relatively uneventful?  Or is it because it is too foggy to see through?  Frankly, I’m unsure as to what the correct answer is.  What I do know is that this purgatory exists.

A person that I know is willing to be a doormat for his girlfriend because he absolutely loves her.  He loves her, but he’s in the midst of getting his life right.  She has no patience for it and is permanently frustrated.  She’s temperamental and lashes out on him time and time again out of frustration.  While enduring all of this, he continues to see the greater good in her because he loves her.  He hears disparaging comments about her and defends her incessantly only for him to find out that she carries better conversations with the slandering party rather than him.  At this point, the physical bond that he once possessed with her resides in the winter of his discontent.  His relationship with her has been reduced to one word conversations and the feeling of being a burden.  Content with the matter, he closes his eyes and reminisces on what they used to have.

Wiping the tears from his eyes, he wonders why things have to be this way.  He wants to touch, wants to hold her, but he knows that can’t happen.  He knows he has to do this on her terms or risk losing her altogether.  As he begins to rid himself of these thoughts, he realizes something; he realizes that she hurts too.  He thinks about their tumultuous past and amazing beginning only to reconvene back to the current day.  His intentions scream that he wants to be there for her, but his mind reminds him that she wants no part of it.  Distraught, he finds his face buried deep in his palms as he tries to make right of the situation.  He’s heartbroken and too proud to show it; she’s through with it and not willing to admit it.  He stares at her begging her not to turn the page on this story they have written together, but it’s futile.  Missing his signal, she reels back into her realm of familiarity in an attempt to comfort herself.  Progress won’t be made this evening; love will be spoken about, but not shown tonight.